How not to be a jerk at the beach this summer

Don’t, and you’re liable to find instant infamy at best. At worst, you could cause serious harm or be sued.

Generally, though, these rules – or “guidelines” to put it more euphemistically – are about ensuring we can all enjoy our sandy public playgrounds, irrespective of our preferred beach activities or taste in music or swimwear. Let us know any we’ve missed in the comments.

Don’t feed the seagulls

Love 'em or hate 'em, these flying snack stealers are noisy creatures, particularly when someone throws them a bone (or chip, or bit of bread…).

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Admire them from afar if you’re a fan, but don’t share your food with them unless you want to cause a commotion that will rip everyone in the vicinity from their hard-earned R&R.

You could even indirectly cause someone an injury. Seagulls can be aggressive when they’re competing for food, and there are no guarantees anyone who gets in their way will emerge unscathed. Plus, no one wants bird poop on their patch of the beach.

Cameron Spencer/Getty Images

Feeding seagulls can cause a rucus when people are trying to relax, and isn’t good for the birds’ health.

You won’t actually be doing the birds any favours either. Gulls are designed to feast on food they can find in their natural environment. There are plenty of fish in the sea for them to snack on.

Keep your thoughts on others’ appearance to yourself

A colleague is irked by people who make unsolicited comments on her “pasty skin” by saying “ooh, hope you’ve got some sunblock on” when, as a fair-complexioned beachgoer, she wisely always does.

You may think you’re looking out for someone by making such a comment, but really you’re just pointing out how white their skin is. If they’re old enough to know about the importance of being sun-smart, respect them enough to trust that they are. If they’re not, they’ll be punished soon enough with blisters and burns.

Be careful about making “observations” on others’ appearance in general. People can feel particularly vulnerable when dressed in their togs, and you don’t want to sound like an ogling creep.

Mario Tama/Getty Images

A hug and a kiss are fine, but overt public displays of affection may offend.

Tone down the public displays of affection

It’s lovely you’re in love, but remember your fellow beachgoers haven’t signed up to be extras in what might be mistaken for the sandy set of an adult movie.

Feel free to hold hands with your beloved and give them a quick kiss, but anything past first base should be out of bounds. Remember you are wearing next to nothing and may look, from certain angles, like you are actually getting it on. Plus, there may be children around.

Practice social distancing

The Government mandate on social distancing may be long gone, but the unwritten rule on steering clear of strangers on the beach remains. People come to the beach to relax and catch up on sleep. Don’t ruin it for them by plonking your towel so close they can see whether or not you’ve waxed your bikini line.

If others have marked out their territory with their towels when you arrive, you have a moral duty to position yourself as far away from them as possible. If it's busy and you have no choice but to lay down your towel within close proximity to someone else's, a whole other set of unwritten rules come into play.

If the beach is crowded, be especially sure to watch where you’re shaking out your towel.

Don't walk around in jandals so they flick sand at other people. Don't suddenly whip up your towel or shake it out, for the same reason. And keep the volume of your conversations low. Unless you have a juicy story to tell.

Leave the drone at home

Bird’s eye shots of the beach from above may win you likes on Instagram, but they won’t win you any friends on the beach.

There’s something kind of creepy about a device with a camera hovering overhead when you’re lying prone on a beach towel in the near-nude. I had one follow me along a deserted beach once, and it was disconcerting to put it mildly. Save the drones for deserted stretches of sand which, being less publicised, might just garner you more likes on Instagram anyway.

Respect kids’ artistic and architectural efforts

Like it or not, beaches are giant playgrounds. Kids are going to dig up the sand to make sandcastles and swimming pools, so you might as well learn to accept it.

Yes, they can be a bit of a health and safety hazard – I’ve near-twisted my ankle a few times after falling into a hole I hadn’t seen – but it’s the price one must often pay for a day out at a public beach. Be mindful of where you put your feet though. Building is hot, sweaty work, and tears could very well result if you destroy the fruits of their hard larbour.

JOHN KIRK-ANDERSON/Stuff

Be care not to destroy the works of mini Antoni Gaudis in the making (and their adult helpers).

Bluetooth speakers and boom boxes are banned

You may think your taste in music is impeccable, but there are bound to be other beachgoers who disagree.

Plus, some people don’t want a musical soundtrack to their day at the beach, preferring peace and quiet to read, take a nana nap, or talk to their mates. Some might simply want to be soothed by the sound of the crashing waves. The beach is not a place to try your hand at being a DJ. No one asked to hear your tunes and, in all likelihood, no one wants to hear them either.

Keep your water toys away from swimmers

So you’re the proud owner of a flash new jetski or wakeboard. Good on you. Just don’t ruin your image by playing with it too close to swimmers.

As tempting as it may be to show off your new moves as close to the seemingly avid audience on the sand as possible, please resist.

As a swimmer, the sound of a motor rocketing toward you or board slicing through the waves in your direction is disconcerting at best and dangerous at worst. Keep your distance to ensure the proverbial poo doesn’t hit the fan.

JOHN BISSET/STUFF

Be careful not to get too close to swimmers when playing with your water toys. Beachgoers with good eyesight can still see your moves from afar.

Wear reef-friendly sunscreen

Beach etiquette isn’t just about being mindful of your fellow human beings – you need to think about the marine life too (it’s their home you’re visiting after all).

Many traditional sunscreens contain chemicals that harm sea creatures, coral reefs and other ocean species, including oxybenzone, octinoxate and other ingredients on the Haereticus Environmental Laboratory (HEL) List.

Sunscreens which use mineral filters zinc oxide and titanium oxide to block UV rays are the most reef-friendly options, provided they use non-nanoparticles, which are larger than nanoparticles and not easily digested by wildlife.

Be careful with games

If you're among those who consider the beach a sandy sports field, spare a thought for those of us who consider it a sandy bed. We won't deny your right to play the field so don't deny ours to get some rest.

No matter how co-ordinated you and your mates think you are, if you're playing within five metres of a sleeping beachgoer, chances are you're going to conk them on the head.

Courteous gamers will also avoid throwing balls and frisbees across walkways and the entire width of the beach.